relationships

How to Sympathize When We Are Traumatized as a Nation

‘’Today was the Boston Marathon, a true tradition in the City, run since 1897 on Patriots Day. There were 96 Countries represented with a total of 27,000 participants. The 26^th mile-marker had been clearly denoted as a dedication for the 26 Sandy Hook Elementary School Victims from last December. Several parents from the School were running the marathon also. This was supposed to be a joyous day, happy for the City, prestigious for the runners, and meaningful for many. Instead, it turned out to be a bloody war-zone at the finish line when two bombs exploded within 20 seconds apart. Dear God, where are we safe in a land that touts freedom for all?’’

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

When the bombs blasted, sending 140 people to hospitals, killing three, and seriously injuring many, people were left running for their lives just like on 9/11/2001. Smoke filled the air and what was short-lived bliss had been replaced with complete chaos.

The scene was an ugly one, according to the reporters and all the photos streaming through the Internet. I didn’t even know about the deadly incident until I sat down with my laptop and turned it on to start writing. Then, the news streamed in through CNN. My heart was sick, so sick in fact that I felt like puking.

Tents that had been set up to hydrate the runners were now becoming Triage Units until the ambulances could arrive. Several people, both runners and bystanders, had missing limbs. The sight was horrific. Hospitals later reported removing pieces of shrapnel and performing amputations.

So, what can us as friends and a community, do to help those who are suffering pain and loss from this or any other tragedy?

The following is a list of the six most helpful things to offer immediately following disaster or traumatization:

The first thing to do is to comfort your friend, co-worker, neighbor, or family member and let them know you will always be there emotionally for them. This is ultimately the most important thing for the one who has suffered a loss to know.
Assure the one who has suffered the loss that you will not leave or abandon them physically. You will stick by their side as best as you can.
Arrange for professional help, either with a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Life Coach for ongoing treatment. Group therapy and talks are very helpful in many cases of emotional or psychological trauma.
Ask the one who needs the help if you can accompany them or drive them to their physician or therapist’s appointments. It is not uncommon for those who suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) to decide they no longer need help, when in fact, they do. One way to ensure they receive treatment and help is by driving them.
Remember that we as humans, all process information differently. This means, we will have our good days and at other times, those in need will have a ‘’bad’’ day for no apparent reason. The tiniest little noise, sound, or smell may set them off. Learn to recognize your friend’s triggers so you can help deal with them.
Self-care is of the utmost importance. Secondary trauma is very common when one has endured a hardship for an extended period of time with their partner, friend, or loved one. You must learn how to care for yourself and give some tender loving care to your own self so you can be the best you can be for others.

How do we stay soft-hearted through life’s turmoil and endless tragedies? Do we become ‘hard’ around the edges, not caring about our brothers and sisters on the streets, and only think of ourselves? I learned years ago that when we give of ourselves, we only have more and more to give. I remember explaining this concept to my youngest son when he was seven years old. I told him this is like love. The more love you give, the more love you have to give away again.

So, while the idiots or terrorists who want to harm people do their crap for attention-seeking purposes, let us pray, plan, and have a bigger vision that we will see sympathy towards others one day regardless of where they live, what they do, and what socioeconomic status they are.

I believe in love, sympathy, and compassion for all. God bless you.

Loveless and Lonely: What To Do If You Are Not a Smitten Kitten on Valentine’s Day

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“Valentine’s Day is the most romantic holiday of the year. Many women dredge through all of the previous holidays of the year beforehand, just waiting for this holiday to roll around. Lovers celebrate with champagne or expensive wines, dinners out at beautiful restaurants, gifts of jewelry, and God knows, chocolate and even more chocolate. But, for all the single ladies out there who are not in a relationship or who have nobody, this can also be one of the most depressing, lonely times of the year. How does one make it through Lover’s Day?”

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

Have you ever been alone on Valentine’s Day? I am here to tell you that I have been alone on Valentine’s Day and even worse than that, I have been in relationships in the past, where I was not alone, but I was so lonely that I wanted to be ALONE. Being with someone who does not love and adore you is far worse than being alone. In either scenario, you are left feeling rather loveless. This is a really crappy, deserted feeling.

What compounds feeling loveless and lonely? Let’s face it. From the moment all of the Christmas things are removed from the retail shelves, Valentine racks are put up and displayed in retail shops. Just walking past Victoria’s Secret Retail Boutique is a killer. The lingerie is so darn sexy. It is saying, “Put this on your body. Your man will be smitten and not be able to resist you.” If you go into the shop and start flipping through the racks, a sales associate will approach you and begin her dialogue with something akin to, “That little corset with a pair of thigh-highs is sure to turn him on.” The Victoria Secret Sales Associate never thinks about the fact that you may be single or without a partner. Burn…sizzle…zing…one more flame to the pain of not having a true love on Valentine’s Day. It never dawns on her that you may want to dress yourself to feel sexy.

Every Hallmark store, every Walgreen or other drug stores, all of the Target stores across the nation and in other countries, are filled with cards made for lovers on Valentine’s Day. As I select cards with the perfect sentiments for my parents, I am left feeling dull and lifeless. What about those of us with no lover, no man or partner to buy a card for, and even worse, we know that we will not be receiving a card from a lover? To top off this feeling of solitude, we know that during the Valentine week at work, our friends and colleagues will be receiving gifts from their lovers to brightly display on their desks. When the front desk clerk brings back that beautiful flower arrangement or box of chocolates, it will not be for us. This just adds more agony to the open wound. So, what can we do during Lover’s Week if we have no lover or intimate partner to share the big day with?

Here are Three Burning Flashes of Smitten Kitten Ways to Fall in Love:

• Forget about a man already and fall in love with things you have been taking for granted. Take a look around…no, I don’t mean just glance around the room you are in as you are reading this. I mean to really take a strong, defined look at every object, every person in your life, and your world as it is today. What do you have that you can and should be thankful for? Do you have a roof over your head and a warm home to live in? Do you have food to eat every night? Do you have healthy children? Are you able to keep steady employment? Can you pay your bills on time, even if it means juggling them from month-to-month? Do you have a good friend? I have just named six things that most of us have every single day, yet we take these for granted. Really study your life and then make a list of what you have to be grateful for. Promise yourself that you will read your list each morning or night. You will discover that you can fall in love with your life just the way it is right now, once you realize this is part of the “plan.”

• Decide that it is okay to be alone on Valentine’s Day, or any other day of the year. Hundreds of thousands of women do not have partners. You are not the only woman who is without a man on Valentine’s Day. If you try to force a relationship or love, it never works out. Never. I am here to tell you that living alone or being alone is one thousand times better than being in a relationship and feeling lonely. So, you must be asking what I am talking about. There have been times in the past, where I was in a relationship with a man, yet I was not listened to, not complimented, not ever brought gifts, and not even acknowledged. During meals, my husband would read, instead of talking with me. As I look back now on some of my past relationships and the mistakes I made, I know why I did what I did. I was afraid to be alone by myself. Shamefully, I admit this to all of you who are reading this right now. I was so fearful of not having a man in my life that I would “settle” for a less-than-the-best man for me. Oh how I wasted so many years of my life on unworthy men. Please do not make these same mistakes.

• Become a “Smitten Kitten” and fall madly in love with yourself. Go all out on Valentine’s Day and do whatever you can afford to make it an enjoyable day for yourself. I am dead serious. If you are low on funds, here are a couple of ideas to brighten your day. Carry flowers (that you purchased the night before from your local grocery store and arranged in a pretty vase that you had on hand at home) in with you when you go to work. When someone asks you where they came from, proudly announce, “These are a gift I gave myself!” Dig out a vintage scarf or one you haven’t worn for a while and tie it on your handbag, wear a different color of lip gloss than you normally do, or instead of purchasing your beloved brand of heels, try buying a less expensive pair and wear those on Valentine’s Day just so you will have a new delight. For those who can afford to spend a little more money, indulge yourself at the perfume counter and purchase that new fragrance you have wanted to try, buy the new Louis Vuitton handbag, go out for dinner at an upscale Sushi Bar, and have drinks at a Wine Bar after that. Be brazen enough to go alone or stay at home and enjoy your solitude.

This is not a syndrome or feeling that is isolated just for women. Once you have learned to love yourself fully, then you are ready for meeting and mingling with men. Remember that men are also alone and lonely. You simply must put yourself out there. Even if you try online dating (which I did for five years) you still must be willing to take chances if you want to find love.

Please do not forget your girlfriends on Valentine’s Day. If you have single girlfriends and you know they have a difficult time on that day, send them a card in the mail. This simple gesture means so much and it just does not take that much effort. One little act of love can go so far and mean the world to a friend.

Curl up with a good book, watch a movie you have been wanting to see, drink a cup of hot cocoa or make a Cosmopolitan, talk on the phone with a friend, or do whatever makes your heart sing on Valentine’s Day if you are alone. Whatever it takes, do not be lonely, just because you are alone. Become that “Smitten Kitten” and fall in love with yourself over and over again, you beautiful goddess.

Cry Baby, Cry. Then, Get Over Him and Become Your Own Best Lover

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“February is the month for lovers. That’s just great if you are wildly in love with your best friend – you know – the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. But what happens when your partner bails on you? What happens when he tells you that he has been secretly seeing another woman for the past five years of your relationship and just “has to get it off his chest?” What happens when your whole world comes swirling down, right along with your panties, and everything falls flat on the floor? Yes, this happened to me and it hurt. It hurt like hell and it broke my heart. How was I ever going to recover from a blow like that?”

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

I am trying to think if there has ever been a time that I have been glad a relationship was over and you know, there has. There have been several times during dating and also, during my second marriage, when I was so ecstatic the relationship had ended, I wanted to sing and dance and scream it out to the world. And so, I did. But…when you are fully loving your partner or are newly ‘in love’ – only to discover that your guy does not feel the same way about you, it hurts. If cheating is involved, it is a devastating heartbreaker and there is no easy way to soften that blow.

Soothing your heart takes time after a break up. Various things work for different people. What I always needed were a couple of really great girlfriends to listen and cry with, a good bottle of wine, and lots of chocolate to make me feel better. That is what worked for me. Every single time any man has broken my heart, I have not wanted another man to replace him. But, for whatever reason, there has always been knocking at my door within a very short time frame. It took me years to realize this was, more often than not, definitely not the wise decision to make…going out right away after a break-up. No matter what anyone says, your heart must heal. Time is the only thing that mends the broken pieces of your heart and soul so all can join together again as a whole. No other partner can provide an instant ‘fix.’ That’s called a re-bound.

So, what can we do to mend our broken hearts? That kind of sounds like a song from a long time ago, doesn’t it? Seriously, what can you do to get past the open wounds left by your lover and move forward? First, you must have a really good, long, hard cry. Then;

Get Over Him and Become Your Own Best Lover With These Four Tips:

• Love yourself first. Now, this may sound silly or even ridiculous, but it is not. As women, we are taught to be the nurturing ones. From the time we are very young and play with dolls, we are groomed to ‘take care of them’ in every way. We cook for our little dollies, we pick out their wardrobes, we help them drive their cars, and we teach them how to take care of their ‘ouchies.’ This nurturing process carries straight into adulthood. How many women reading this right now even realized that? My guess is not too many. Therefore, it is difficult, if not impossible, for some women to learn to love themselves first, before all others. This is especially tough if one has young children in the household. Just remember the old saying, “If Momma isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Love yourself so much that you have more loving to spread around to everyone else because you feel so darned good!

• Avoid the desire and yearning to text, call, or see your Ex…the one who broke your heart. Under no certain terms should you make contact with your partner for any reason, unless you have children with him. This is an absolute rule. I know you have the desire and knife-stabbing hurt of all the ‘whys’ in your mind…why did he not tell you earlier, why did he have to be so sneaky, why did he clean out the bank account, why did he leave you hanging with no car to drive or even worse, why did he leave you with an $800. per month lease car in your name that he was paying for? The very best thing you can do for yourself is to forget about him and thank your lucky stars that this jerk screwed up now and not ten years from now. I promise you that.

• Masturbate. Okay, so don’t freak out. You are reading the text correctly, so don’t act like you did not see the word. You can love on yourself without having a man around. Some of the best sex is often by yourself. If you have never experienced an orgasm with a man, perhaps it is because you have not experienced it by yourself. What better time to really learn your own body than when you are alone? Buy a good vibrator, take long hot baths, light some scented candles, set the mood to ignite your senses, and play. Touch your body and feel all of your curves, the folds of your skin, and caress every tiny inch on your gorgeous female body. Get to know yourself and learn how to bring yourself pleasure. When in the shower, be sure you have a hand-held shower massage that pulsates. Play with it and take your time. You will not regret learning how to turn yourself on. Become your own best lover so that when it is time to bring a partner into your love life, you can show him exactly how you like to be pleased. Your partner will appreciate this also!

• Treat yourself regularly, or as often as you can, to a massage, a facial, or even just getting your nails done. Get out and do the ‘girl’ thing with some big time pampering – whatever you can afford. If you have the money, go overboard when you’ve been slammed by your used-to-be lover and learn to be your own best lover. Go buy that beautiful handbag you’ve had your eye on and do some retail therapy! If you are not in a situation where you can just go out and spend big bucks, you can still splurge on yourself. Back when I had little or no money, I could not understand this concept. Ladies, listen up. It costs virtually nothing to rally your best girlfriend, have a sleep-over, pop in a good movie, paint each other’s toenails and do a manicure, share a couple of drinks or green tea (if you are non-drinkers), go to bed together super late and sleep in, get up and cook breakfast together, slurp coffee or tea while sitting outside wrapped up in fuzzy robes, and talk until your voice gets scratchy. There is nothing in the world like the comfort of a bestie. No man can replace your best girlfriend.

Healing is not an easy path, but it is worth the painstaking effort and so are you. No words can truly describe a broken heart, regardless of all the books and poetry that have been written for centuries. This one thing you must be certain of. YOU are worthy of pure, unconditional love. Sometimes we must look a lifetime to find this love. There have been times that I felt like I would only have this type of love from my parents. That hurt my heart so much. Then, I took my own advice and learned to love myself first. Now I can say that I am the happiest, most loving person I know. And, you can be the happiest, most loving person you know, also.

How to Enjoy the Holidays Without Feeling Holi-Dazed

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“When I was young and had children still at home, we would put up our Christmas tree the week after Thanksgiving. Twenty years ago, that was early. We were the first ones in our neighborhood to have our big tree up right in the living room in front of the window. It was like “Look at us, we did it, here is our tree and presents!” The children were so excited, as this was a real family event. We would play Christmas music as we decorated the tree. I would bring out the presents that had been hidden for the past month, and we would have hot chocolate and a special dinner the night we decorated our tree. It was all a big deal. I’m not sure when I began to dislike it, but I think it started when my kids left home. No, it was when my mother got cancer”

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

Every year, the retail stores are rushing to beat each other out as to who is ‘first in line’ to bust out the Christmas decorations. I clearly remember in the early 90’s, stores started shelving their new decorations for Christmas right after Halloween. That seemed so early to me. Now, some stores put up their Christmas decorations in July, right after the fourth. It’s like, “Please, can’t we just enjoy our beautiful fall sweaters, new boots and coats, and the turning of the leaves without seeing Christmas stuff everywhere? What ever happened to long walks in the fall season, holding hands, curling up in front of the fire with a good book or games, and raking piles of those stunning leaves?” Now, we are all in this big rush to bring on Christmas. Or are we all guilty as charged?

I must admit that back in the day of decorating my tree, well, I really did it up big. It took me almost an entire month to decorate my entire house inside. I had bows tied on everything. Garland and ivy were strung to every mantle and hearth. I custom-made Christmas stockings and one year, I stenciled all of the gift-wrapping designs on each present. I was quite the little Susie-Q Handy-Girl. Presents were carefully selected as early as June and hidden away until time for wrapping. I was so organized that now I realize this was just part of my OCD tendency for completion to details. Once I was divorced and was raising my baby son by myself, I started putting up SIX Christmas trees. Yes, six trees were in my home. I had one, nine-foot tree in the family room and then also, there were five three-foot trees in other rooms of the house. My son had his own tree with little cars on it and in my bedroom, I had a pink tree with little shoes and purses hanging on it. The kitchen had its own tree with china doll tea set collections. Now, when I look back, I think to myself, “How ridiculous.” People would come from miles away just to see my Christmas decorated home. The one thing I did not do was to overspend. I always stayed within my budget.

Things changed drastically when my mother got cancer. I did not put up a tree that year. Christmas seemed commercial and fake to me all of a sudden. Perhaps I needed a slap in the face to come back to the true meaning of what Christmas is all about. I had fallen into the trap of retail crap and had forgotten about the birthday of Christ, the meaning of family, and the value of life itself. Sadly, I had been a victim of retail monopoly. For about eight years after my mother got cancer, I did not put up any trees. In fact, I gave them away, as well as all of my decorations. I took them down to the Salvation Army. All I wanted to do was to spend time with my mother and prayed so hard for her to recover. She has survived for 12 years. And, I want at least 20 more years with my mom.

So, by now you must be asking why I wrote this article about Christmas and the holidays. The reason is because I am already receiving calls from those needing advice on how to deal with the stress of the Holi-Daze. People are booking appointments with me, asking for advice on how to juggle so many activities, parties, and family functions. And, then there are those who have nobody at this time of year. This is very lonely and stressful, especially for single parents or the elderly.

The following are: Five Quick Tips for Turning Your Dazed Days Into Holidays You Can Enjoy.

1) Slow down. As silly as this might sound, just please do not feel like you have to be on a wild, crazy clock to get everything completed within a certain time-frame. The truth is, you don’t.

2) Prioritize what needs to be done first. This will require some goal-setting. Once you do this, you will not feel so pressured to get everything done immediately.

3) Enjoy the moments as they happen. Simply stated, if you are constantly focused on where or what needs to be done tomorrow, you cannot enjoy today. Then, you are robbing not only yourself of YOU, but also, you are cheating others out of what and who you are all about.

4) Decide what and who really matters to you in your life. Now, I know this will not be a point that some may take kindly to, but I promised to always tell the truth. And, the truth is this. If you are constantly trying to please everyone, even people you do not like or enjoy being around, this means you are spending less time with those who you do enjoy spending time with. Time is precious and can never be replaced. Use it wisely and don’t let anyone take time who is not worthy of you.

5) Learn to say “NO.” Some people have a difficult time saying “no” to those they don’t especially care for, to parties they do not want to attend, to family members who are constantly dragging them down, or whatever that bugs them. Just say “no” when you need to. You will be much happier in the long run.

If you find time on your hands and want to do something for humanity, you can always offer your services at the local shelter and provide babysitting, work in a soup kitchen, or visit the isolated elderly. Many elderly people cannot leave their homes. The only time they have companionship is when Meals on Wheels brings them food. Did you know this? It is a fact and is very sad. The isolated elderly just want someone to talk with. A couple of hours each week means so much to a person who does not have anyone. This is the biggest gift you can give to someone…the gift of YOU and your time.

Blessings to all this holiday season, wherever you are, and whatever you do. May all of your wishes come true. Mine have, just by being here with you, in spirit and in love.

After Ten Years in a Relationship With My Partner, How Do I Keep It Hot and Sizzling?

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“I am not going to act like it is easy to keep a marriage or partnership together after ten years or more, because it is not. Quite frankly, having a healthy marriage over a decade takes a lot of work. One of my marriages lasted for 17 years. We went out on regular dates even when we were dirt poor. My husband (at that time) gave me many compliments and seemed to adore me. I valued him as my husband and as the father of my two children. I never took him for granted. Marriage is not stress-free, but when it works, there is nothing better”

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

A partnership and or marriage is a beautiful union of two people when it is full of love and fun. One hopes this will keep you inspired throughout your life. However, that same partnership or marriage runs the risk of getting dusty and dreary over the course of years. Many times, the partnership becomes “lifeless” as years go by because couples tend to focus on the stresses of daily life. They may ignore the cherished relationship that they should be working on with their own partners.

When you feel such a case is starting to slowly eat away at your union, this is the time that you should start to act on it, and I do mean to act on it quickly. This is a perfect signal that you should work to keep your relationship hot and sizzling, which may be something that has died out after years of monotonous activities. Bring back the sizzle and spark that you used to have, like when you were just starting out in the relationship. Do you remember that vigor and enthusiasm? This is really never too difficult to accomplish, especially if both of you are willing to work on it together.

Keep in mind that a strong partnership requires a firm foundation to lean on, plus a lot of work. With patience and effort, you can surely succeed in bringing the relationship back to bliss and making it more exciting. The romance and passion within a relationship do not have to decline as the years go by. The key is to revive the romantic sizzle with persistence and heartfelt endeavors. Please read the five keys to keep a relationship hot and sizzling.

Five Blazing Keys to Keep a Relationship Hot and Sizzling

Go out on a date with your partner: Date nights will both give you and your partner intimate times together. This is the time when you will think nothing except only the things about the both of you and your love for each other. This date-night should be scheduled in advance. Go watch your favorite movies in the theater, have dinner at your favorite restaurant, or take a walk on the beach – whatever or wherever you may want to spend your date. What is important is that you are both together in an environment where you are free from all the stresses of the utility bills, children, student loans or mortgages.
Reminisce of the time about how you fell in love with each other: This will keep you reminded of the beautiful things that you have seen and are still seeing in your partner, yet you fail to compliment because of the busy day you are having. Also, this will prevent the rise of a half- hearted effort in keeping your relationship alive and healthy.
Take time to romance each other again: Even if you have a busy schedule, making time for each other will focus on bringing the significance of the relationship back to the partnership. Surprise your partner with gifts. Even the simplest or not so expensive gift will do, almost always. When you do this, you are demonstrating that you never forgot your partner amidst activities you have without him or her. Leave little love notes inserted in your partner’s work notebook, on the bathroom mirror, or on the car’s dashboard. This is a very simple way ofsurprising your partner that will give him or her a pleasant jolt of love.
Put your partner on first priority again: This is a biggie! This can be done by simply doing the sweet little nothings that you have done for your partner before, but have rarely done lately or seldom at all. You have a lot of choices for this. Maybe you can give your partner a back or foot rub after a long day, or perhaps you can do the dishes when you don’t usually help with this chore. This will show your partner how you really care and value him or her. The more you do these unexpected sweet little nothings, the more your partner will have the urge to do likewise.
Have a fresh approach:This is not to change your entire personality, but to have an upgrade of the usual predictable approaches that you have been doing. This new approach will surely add zest to your eagerness for each other.

Keep in mind that a partnership is very precious and has to be kept robustly blazing at all times. The number of years must never be the reason for your relationship’s downfall or for you to turn boring to each other. You should never wait until your anniversary or on special occasions to do something special and different (in a sweet manner) for your partner. When you do it for no reason at all,except to let your partner know they are appreciated and adored, you will both live joyfully. In addition, you will also set good examples of love that your family, friends, and children will follow in time.

How to Go From Spooking to Hooking Your Dream Date in Real Life: Five Apple-Bobbing Gulps to Devour Before Your Next Date

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“Even as a little kid, I never cared much for Halloween. Sure, I dressed up in costumes and wore them to school like everyone else, went out on the 31st with my big brother and grabbed as much candy as I could in our neighborhood, and then pigged out on most of it before ever getting back home. I knew my mother would ration it out so I wouldn’t have a sugar “high” and get sick. Cowardly, I must admit that I was scared to death of most costumes and all those creepy masks. They were frightening to me and caused many nightmares. I was secretly one of the few kids who was glad Halloween only came around once every year”

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

We all know that both girls and guys have questions about dating in the real world and how to“hook” their dream date, right? There is always the mystery behind the façade being displayed during that first meeting or date. Is the guy or girl the real deal, or are they a creep? What if they are a ghost or goblin and nothing more than that?

Have you attended a Halloween party as an adult in full costume where your face was completely covered with your eyes showing only? If so, think back to that time and the reasoning behind the purpose of the mask and costume. You dressed up like that to keep a secret from others and to maintain anonymity. So, how did that work out for you? Furthermore, how did that work out for your date, if you were already with someone, or if you were single and trying to meet and greet, how did it go? Was the mystery enticing enough to make you seem approachable or were you spooky, ghostlike, or creepy?

I personally do not like surprises because I’ve never had a good one. Now that I have said this, you can perhaps better understand why Halloween, with costumes, masks, and spooks, scared the living daylights out of me. I like and appreciate authenticity. Games are great as ice-breakers with groups of people, but when it comes to dating, most will tell you they prefer the real deal over phonies.

Okay, so how does one go from spooking to hooking a dream date in real life? Listed below are five apple bobbing gulps to devour and think about before going out on your next date:

1) Forget the word “dream” when it comes to dating.

If you sit around wishing for a dream date and refuse to date an imperfect person, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation and moreover, you are setting yourself up for failure in the dating world.

2) Get real.

Simply stated, this means to be authentic and the first place to begin is with YOU. If you automatically say that you have always been “real” I would more than likely challenge you on that. It takes some work to get real and live authentically. I can expound more about authenticity on a later post and will definitely do so.

3) Think for a long time if you have been a “game player” with your dating habits and in your relationships.

Do you know why you are dating? No, I haven’t lost my mind…this is a serious question for you to think about. Why are you dating? Do you want to just date many people and be a “player” with all the parties involved? If so, do you tell the people you are seeing that this is your game plan, or are they all being played as fools while you use and mistreat them? Maybe you really enjoy dating several people all at the same time. Be honest with yourself and your answer, for gosh sake. Are you dating to find a compatible partner? Perhaps you are dating to discover your life mate. Be purposeful in knowing why you are dating so you will not be disappointed with your selections of partners. One of the reasons people are disillusioned later down the road is because they never really figured out why or who they wanted in the first place.

4) Be relatively happy with yourself before dating anyone or trying to develop a relationship with someone else on an intimate or personal level.

You cannot be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself first.

5) If you are dating or in a relationship, treat your partner with respect and like they are the only person in the world.

Now, I know I will receive some crap over this last bullet point, so let me clarify. Many people are so caught up with their own schedules, lifestyle, and workloads that they tend to place their partner in the big black kettle for a witches’ brew to cook on its own, instead of making that person feel like a priority. This is a huge mistake. If left in the kettle too long, your partner will eventually become resentful and begin to feel neglected. I am not saying to “babysit” your partner. I am merely stating that your date, mate, or partner should be one of your priorities in life, not left in the kettle to dry up or brew over.

Above all else, remember to treat someone the way you would like to be treated. We must drop the high expectations of a dream world and a “dream” date/mate. Once you can let go of this ghost, you will set yourself free to find the date or love you’ve only heard about from others. Hold on and get ready for the best is yet to come!

How to Re-Kindle the Flames With My Partner After Ten Years: Five Burning Ideas

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“I am not going to act like it is easy to keep a marriage or partnership together after ten years or more, because it is not. Quite frankly, having a healthy marriage over a decade takes a lot of work. One of my marriages lasted for 17 years. We went out on regular dates even when we were dirt poor. My husband (at that time) gave me many compliments and seemed to adore me. I valued him as my husband and as the father of my two children. I never took him for granted. Marriage is not stress-free, but when it works, there is nothing better”

~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

Marriage is a beautiful union of two people when it is full of love and fun. One hopes this will keep you inspired throughout your life. However, marriage, when not kept refreshed regularly, runs the risk of getting rusty and dreary over the course of years. Many times, marriage becomes “lifeless” as years go by because couples tend to focus on the stresses of daily life. They may ignore the intimate relationship that they should be working on with their respective partners.

When you feel such a case is starting to slowly eat away at your marriage, this is the time that you should start to act on it- fast. This is a perfect sign that you should rekindle some of the flames that may have died out after years of monotonous activities. Bring back the spark that you used to have, like when you were just starting out in the relationship, and both of you were high with passion. This is really never too difficult to accomplish, especially if both of you are willing to work on it together.

Keep in mind that a strong marriage requires a firm foundation to lean on, plus a lot of work. With patience and effort, you can surely succeed in rekindling the flames to make your marriage more exciting. The romance and passion within a marriage do not have to decline as the years go by. The key is to revive the romantic flames with persistence and heartfelt endeavors.

Five Burning Ideas to Re-kindle the Flames

Go out on a date with your partner: Date nights will both give you intimate times together. This is the time when you will think nothing except only the things about the both of you and your love for each other. This date-night should be scheduled and will not take too much of your time. Go watch your favorite movies in the theater, have dinner at your favorite restaurant, or take a walk on the beach – whatever or wherever you may want to spend your date. What is important is that you are both together in an environment where you are free from all the stresses of the utility bills, children, student loans or mortgages.

Reminisce the time of how you fell in love with each other: This will keep you reminded of the beautiful things that you have seen and are still seeing in your partner, yet you fail to compliment because of the busy day you are having. Also, this will prevent the rise of a half- hearted effort in keeping your relationship alive and healthy.

Take time to romance each other again: Even if you have a busy schedule, making time for each other will focus on bringing the significance of the relationship back to the marriage. Surprise your partner with gifts. Even the simplest or not so expensive gift will do, almost always. When you do this, you are demonstrating that you never forgot your partner amidst activities you have without him or her. Leave little love notes inserted in your partner’s work notebook, on the bathroom mirror, or on the car’s dashboard. This is a very simple way of surprising your partner that will give him or her a pleasant jolt of love.

Put your partner on first priority again: This can be done by simply doing the sweet little nothings that you have done for your partner before, but have rarely done lately or seldom at all. You have a lot of choices for this. Maybe you can give your partner a back or foot rub after a long day, or perhaps you can do the dishes when you don’t usually help with this chore. This will show your partner how you really care and value him or her. The more you do these unexpected sweet little nothings, the more your partner will have the urge to do likewise.

Have a fresh approach: This is not to change your entire personality, but to have an upgrade of the usual predictable approaches that you have been doing. This new approach will surely spice up your eagerness for each other.

Keep in mind that marriage is very precious and has to be kept vigorously flaming at all times. The number of years must never be the reason for your marriage’s downfall or for you to turn bland to each other. You should never wait until your anniversary or on special occasions to do something special and different (in a sweet manner) for your partner. When you do it for no reason at all, except to let your partner know they are appreciated and adored, you will both live joyfully. In addition, you will also set good examples of love that your family, friends, and children will follow in time.

Baby Makes Three – Help!: Six Tips For Coping With My Partner and New Baby

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“It has been more than 15 years since I have had a new baby in the house. Nonetheless, I distinctly remember taking care of a newborn, feeling exhausted, and trying to keep up with household chores, all while still going to college both day and night. Somehow, I thought that I could handle it all. Boy, was I wrong! When there is a new baby in the house, many adjustments must be made. Quite often, the partner feels left out. With just a few tweaks, a newborn’s arrival can be a complete bundle of joy for the entire family” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

Having a baby for the very first time gives a woman a multitude of emotions. She may feel excited, overwhelmed, scared, or worried. Added to these high-strung emotions are the struggles that come with all those emotions, including learning the steps on parenting. And please, let’s not forget to mention all the laundry, folding, and chores that must be done in little time.

The baby must always be the top priority from day to night. Constant attention must be given, from feedings to diaper changing. Amidst the busy schedule that a new mother has to deal with, she also must remember to keep the adult relationship with her partner equally as important. You might be thinking, how on earth are we supposed to adjust to these new demands and still find time to nurture our own relationship. So how does one have romance with a new baby in the house? Who has time? Who feels like it? Who cares?

Six Tips For Coping With My Partner and New Baby

Make time for each other. This can be done at least once a week on a routine schedule. Call in a babysitter or ask your mom or sister to watch the baby for the night. This way, you can both take a rest from all the stress that you have come across throughout the entire week and focus spending some time together with nothing to worry about. Reminisce the time when it was just the two of you snuggling together. Go to a movie or head to your favorite restaurant. You can even try going to the beach and lounging there for a while. Whatever date idea you have in mind, go and spend some time with your partner. What is important is that you prioritize some moments alone with your partner to rekindle the romantic flame.

Steal moments when baby is sleeping or having a nap. Since newborns sleep most of the time, simply use this as an advantage to have a romantic stroll as you push your baby’s stroller. The fresh air from the outdoors is good for your child while sleeping. It also affords you and your partner the benefit of a lovely walk and at the same time, the chance to talk with each other. If you are inside the house and too tired to have a walk, you can also cuddle with each other on the couch or give each other a massage. By spending time together, you can make use of the quiet time wisely by giving time to listen to each other, holding hands, and just simply resting together.

Show your affection and sweet little nothings. Affection and sweet little nothings must never be forgotten even if you are too busy. The simple gestures of holding hands or giving your partner a kiss in the middle of your busy baby schedule will always lighten up the mood. If your partner is going to work, take a little of your time to write a love note and insert it in the briefcase. Keep in mind that these simple acts of showing your love and kindness do not need a lot of effort or time. However, they will never fail to show and convey to your partner how much you love and care for him or her.

Do something sexy. Experiment doing something new and sexy, even if it is only weekly. Sneak while your baby is asleep, and go have sex in a different room, other than the bedroom. There’s no rule that says sex can only be enjoyed at night. Why not try a little quickie in the middle of the day? Or, perhaps you can have also a quick, intimate routine in the morning by showering together. These are just a few examples to elevate your mood for the busy day that you may be facing.

Create a baby-free love area. Fashion a specific area for your love nest. No diaper changing allowed! This designated love-zone will become very special since you can just relax with your partner as your baby is quietly resting. This will be the perfect place where you can spend quality time enjoying some loving with your playmate. You can give and accept sweet, tender backrubs, hold hands, and get naughty in your baby-free love area.

Five minute bond. Time is of great essence, especially when you have a baby who is in constant need of your attention and care. You might not notice when you start drowning from all of the things you do for your baby, all of which may leave your partner feeling a bit left out. That is why it is very essential to spend at least five minutes of your day to bond with your partner. Take time to ask him or her how the day was. This can be done during your dinner time, while you are putting baby down for sleep, or before you both go to sleep. This way you both get updated on each other’s activities and you will recognize each other’s efforts, as well.

Keep the sparks lit so you can enjoy each other, hold hands, and make love like you did prior to having three people in the house. This will help to bond you even tighter than before. Just simply bring back the basics that you both did before the baby came into your lives. Though this might be a little tricky, it is necessary. You will never regret the time spent for both your partner and the new baby.

Romance Gone Wrong: Five Tips to Jazz up the Love-Life in Dating

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“Nothing turns a date off more than seeing his or her partner showing up looking as though they could care less about being there. I recall several times during my active dating, I would spend perhaps 30 minutes getting ready for a date and not really invest in myself or put forth the effort of “getting super-hot.” Now, I know why I did this. At that time, I was not ready for a serious relationship and was merely dating just to have something to do. I must admit, I am very ashamed of this. Once I finally decided that I was ready to “find someone” I used all five of these tips to surprise my lover” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

When dating couples become at ease within a relationship, they sometimes run the risk of dropping off the flame of romance that connects one to the other. The beginning stages of any romantic relationship usually involve an amorous demonstration of affection and care towards each other and much of the time, an intense attachment for the other’s presence. But as the relationship jogs along, the course of romance might get paler. Now that you’re getting more secure with each other, the necessity to make an impression and to amaze one another may not be as exciting as it was in the beginning.

If you feel your love-life in dating is currently on the rocks, with less spice and excitement then it’s probably high time for you to start doing simple things to fetch the “old flame” back and to jazz back up the spark that you may have ignored. Spice things up; keep the connection alive and thrilling all the way through. Do you want to know how to do this? Sure you do!

Five Tips to Jazz up the Love-Life in Dating

Go back to your dating schedules and do this at least once a week. As an alternative of just sitting at home watching television, you may want to consider going out to new and fun places that both of you have never been before. Be adventurous and spontaneous. Keep the jive and enjoy the ride. There are so many things both of you can discover while you are on the road.

Don’t forget to give compliments. A compliment is one of the sweetest things that you could say to your partner during the day. This will make your partner feel good about him or herself. Add a hint of thrill every time you say and express it – give him or her a swift kiss, a teasing touch, or whisper it softly and closely to your partner’s ear – that will surely seal the package! Remember that technique seems to work wonders.

Physical affection is a must at all times. You may greet your partner with a hug and a kiss every time you meet. Or you may also rub his or her head or massage his shoulders as you are watching a movie together. You may also incorporate sexy actions as you do these things to add up some hype to the affection you are conveying to your partner. This will also be a very good tool to measure your partner’s mood. If you are out in public places together, do not forget to hold hands. Holding hands may be a very simple thing, but it is very powerful as a way of securing one another and letting each other feel your warmth with a sexy touch.

Surprise your partner at times. Just do something that your partner does not expect you to do on that ordinary day. For men, you can send flowers at work. For women, you can cook and set up a romantic dinner rather than eating out. These little passionate gestures will put the sweetest smile on your loved one’s face.

Be adventurous, but not wild. Doing wild things can absolutely stun your partner and can turn him or her off rather than actually giving the surprising delight you’ve probably intended. It takes a certain personality to appreciate the “wild side.” Be adventurous by adding a nice amount of spontaneity in the process. Do a little tweak on the usual routines that you do with your partner when pursuing romance. This will surprise your partner in a good way and will intensify the course of your relationship as well.

Do not settle for anything less when it comes to your love life. Do the most romantic thing you can think of because this will jazz up the relationship and intimacy shared with each other, leading to a happier and contented life that is lived with a lot of love.

Divorced and Dating. Seven Tips on How to Get Back Into the Scene Again

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“Divorce sucks. It just sucks and there is no other way to say it. My parents have been married for almost 60 years ansd I always thought this would be my life, too. But it just hasn’t worked out that way. My first marriage lasted 17 years and ended abruptly when my husband confessed an affair he had been having for the past five years. He thought I should forgive him and our lives should just “carry on.” He could breathe easier because he had gotten this off his chest. I was crushed and devastated. For the first time in 18 years, I was in the dating market again” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

Divorce is one very tough situation to go through. It’s very stressful and tiring, both in the physical, as well as in the emotional aspect, for two people.

Many would ask when is the perfect moment to start dating after a divorce. The answer totally depends on the individual and how he or she manages to cope with the healing process. One thing you should keep in mind is that it is important to take your time in the process of healing. Enjoy being single for quite a while, so that you can concentrate on your life, your goals, and your future plans before you start seeing someone new. By doing so, you can assure that you already have given yourself enough time to let all the difficulties of the past relationship subside and you can declare, without hesitation, that you have moved on and are ready to meet someone new.

When you’re officially and legally divorced and finally back to that single status, you are now in the best position to get going in life. However, it is important not to put yourself in the singles market in a desperate way and not to rush into new relationships. Maximize your time to do things right, at the proper time, with the correct person, and with the most appropriate feeling.

Since dating after divorce is considered as one difficult, yet extremely exciting new phase of one’s life, you should be guided on how you must do things in a proper way as you get back into the scene again.

Here are seven dating tips that you can follow after your divorce:

Make sure you have already started your social life before you start to date again.
Go to parties, meet old friends and make new friends first. Perhaps you should give social media a try and then choose one suitable person to date. Remember not to show your impatience and immediately date that first person you have come across. This will send a wrong signal to the one you are planning to date at a later time.

Prepare!
Prepare yourself by going to the gym and eating healthy. These things will help you get ready to show the world the new you and the new positive life you are forging ahead. Remember that if you are putting yourself in the singles market, you have to stand out and be an attractive person among the others.

When you go out on a date, do not talk about your past.
This is an intense mistake you should do so! Do not talk about your ex or how frustrated you are in your life, because that will turn-off your date and for you. In return will become a total date failure. If you want to vent about your past and get angry, do not go and bust it all out on your date. See a professional Lifestyle Coach, Counselor, or Therapist, instead.

What you must do is to carry a great attitude about your life and think about how lucky you are for another chance that you get to seek for a new person who might be out there just waiting for you. Perhaps you will fall in love and find true love this next time.

Do not compare your ex to your new date.
You have to leave all bad and bitter memories behind. Do not make the mistake of comparing your new date with your ex. They are two different individuals. In addition, comparing can also spoil the new relationship you are building with your date and can even spoil your self-respect, as well.

Don’t just settle on one source on dating.
Dating sites have been very common dating matchmaking these days. With one single click, you can easily get a list of people who are computed as your match. Why not be your own personal matchmaker? Go out, explore and meet new people personally. That will be more fun and you will also get the chance of seeing that individual right in the eyes. Additionally, you can see how that person carries himself around new people. The impression that you will get when seeing someone in person is different than those you see only through profiles in online dating sites.

Don’t waste any of your time with people who are not ready to give you a hand.
Your best friends are the most supportive people you can go to. Make use of their support to search for a new date. New-date searching is one challenging quest for you, so use all the support and resources you can have.

Make sure that it feels right.
When you choose someone to seriously date, make sure that it feels good. Remember that in order for you to enjoy fully the advantages of going out on a date with a new person, you must have already let go of your past. You must be able to see yourself extremely happy with the one you are with right now.

These are seven quick tips that you can bring into play so you can enjoy a wonderful dating experience after divorce. Just remember that you need to meet people out and about. Smile, be friendly, flirt a little at appropriate times, go to parties and mingle, and ask your friends for help and advice. Put yourself out there. Happy dating!