relationships

Relationship Blunders: What to do When You Have One on a Date

“The very worse relationship blunder for me has to be the one time I called a date by the wrong name. It was my birthday, and I was going out for dinner and dancing with one date and then out the following night with another date. During the first date, I looked squarely in the face of the gentleman and called him by the wrong name. At the time, he laughed it off, but I could tell that it really hurt his feelings. He turned out to be a jerk and I never saw him again, so it ended up being okay. I’ll never forget that as long as I live and since that time, I have always been excellent with names. There won’t be any more name blunders for this chick!” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

Being in a relationship may be a tough deal, especially if it is not all just about hearts and flowers. Most relationships may have a good start. However, if one or both parties involved begins to show their true colors, that is when things could turn nasty. It is important to work on the differences between two partners, but doing so can be challenging, especially if faced with many relationship blunders. In some cases, men and women tend to commit the same mistakes that repeatedly strain the relationship and create havoc to what should be a supposedly intimate and fun date. This could, in turn, bring about a heated exchange of toxic arguments.

It is advisable to work and avoid the common relationship blunders, especially while having a date, as things may turn out quite intense and could end up into something that you might regret. Of course, some of us tend to commit such stupid and dreadful mistakes. Therefore, it is important to do some damage control if we don’t want to end up alone or bitter at the end of the date.

Here are four common relationship blunders and some tips that would help you smooth things out properly:

1. Invasion of privacy – Well, most dates tend to get easily irritated when their partner is busy answering text messages and not paying attention to them. Some dates are really pissed to the extent of pulling the cellphone away from their partner and start the never ending nagging. This can provoke the other partner and become a big turn off. It will not really look good for anyone to do this while on a date, as each one still deserves to keep some privacy. If you have already done the damage, then learn to apologize and don’t escalate the problem. Try to settle things in a proper manner and help make your partner understand what caused you to act in that manner.

2. Domination and making too many demands – Some people tend to forget that a relationship takes two to tango, so they keep all the power and control over the relationship. In some cases, one tends to make too many demands from the other, especially while having a date. To make demands from a relationship is not really a problem, but it should be done in a moderate way. If you think that you are too demanding to your partner, tone it down.

3. Excessive intimacy – Intimacy is a very important factor in a relationship but it may not be a good thing if you cannot keep your hands off your partner, even in public places or on a date. If you are trying to send a message to other people to back off and this person is mine, then they surely get what you wanted to say. However, your partner can take that as a negative thing and may think that you are too possessive. Just learn when to stop kissing or being overly attached to your partner and leave the intimacy in your private realms. Too much of anything can kill off any relationship.

4. Selfishness – Stop thinking that it’s all about you as relationship don’t work that way. If you are on a date, do not just be a good speaker, but also try to become a good listener. Do not treat your partner just like your friend that you need to just talk about some girly and boyish stuff when you are with him. If you think you are talking too much, then learn to stop and try to open topics that both of you would enjoy.

These are simple relationship blunders that people often commit. If done repeatedly, these can actually fuel feuds and conflicts between the people involved. It is important to avoid them if you don’t want to bring your romantic relationship to a screeching halt.

She’s a Spender – I’m a Saver: 5 Easy Steps to Compromise

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“In my own relationships, I have been the saver overall, the one who makes sure the bills are paid on time and who is a bit nutty about finances. I always had money in the bank and money in my 401k’s. I lived within my means. If you partner with someone who has a very different attitude about money, it can be difficult. I would highly suggest using these five steps as a beginning for compromise” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

When dealing with differences with your partner, money can be an emotionally loaded aspect that is subject for a lengthy discussion. One may often focus on long-term financial goals while the other prefers the temporary enjoyment that money can bring. And this is what makes a spender and saver combination complicated and often generates conflicts in a relationship. So how do you make your financial relations with your partner smoother to avoid problems in the future? Knowing and understanding your own attitude towards money is the initial step. Here are 5 easy strategies that will help you in ensuring respect on each other’s differences without jeopardizing your financial concerns.

Understand the disparity between your money attitudes and spending habits. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner towards the subject of budgeting and financial planning. Be frank and considerate. Be ready for compromise by setting limitations, you can start by saying: “I am a saver, here is what it means…You are a spender, this is what that means…Let us talk about how we can get on the same page. So that we meet our needs and at the same time show the right message about money to our children.” It is important that you both come into terms and have a calm and rational discussion. Avoid setting the stage for pestering resentment which will then lead into heated arguments.

The meaning of financial security may be different from one person to another. The saver needs to know that he is saving sufficient money off the top to guarantee financial security. So it is important for the saver to realize that the family does not necessarily need a million dollars for them to survive in the succeeding years. Being able to pay for the monthly mortgage until maturity and having to allocate a certain amount for the kids’ education are some of the factors that make a saver think that his/her finances are enough and sufficient.

Decide and enumerate what your priorities are. This is not just about planning your family budget but also talking about your dreams and aspirations in life. You evaluate your present situation and come up with choices that you should make in the near future. For example, would you prefer to buy a new car next year or have a vacation escapade instead? The various instances where your dreams collide should be your ultimate goal as a couple to make them meet on common ground. Then you decide how you will meet these goals without causing problems within the family. It will be much preferable if you both come into an agreement on the amount of money that you will invest on savings. Discussing who will administer the money is also another issue that you should resolve in the earliest time.

One important aspect that you should bring up is whether to have a joint or separate account. A method that works for some couples is coming up with separate accounts while also having a third household account. If you prefer a joint account instead, you can talk and negotiate on the specific allowance that each of you can spend. There are different ways to organize your finances but the most crucial is to always make sure that each one of you will have a certain amount of money that you are free to spend. This will ensure that your partner will not feel deprived of your finances. And this is quite an effective method in avoiding heated arguments.

Come to a decision on how to deal with everyday finances. Do not forget to talk about paying the bills, balancing the check book and making investment decisions. Another important point is to come to an agreement on how much each of you can spend without consulting the other. When you come into terms with this, you will be avoiding misunderstandings on how you handle your finances.

Having a partner that has a rather different financial approach does not necessarily translate into a doomed relationship. Actually, many individuals even say that a saver-spender combination is somewhat an ideal one. The spender makes sure that the family is not deprived from leisurely things and activities that are both fun and exciting. The saver will be the one to make sure that there is enough money to sustain the lifestyle now and in the coming years. As long as you are able to strike a balance in managing your financial resources, natural tendencies will not rule your lives and will even rid you of problems in the unforeseen future.

My Partner Cheated: Won’t He Just Do This to Me Again and Again?

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“He told me on New Year’s Day that he had been seeing the same woman for the past five years and just “needed to get it off his chest.” What was he thinking of? I thought I had the perfect marriage. I was well-respected in the community, worked hard in my job, loved my husband, and had assumed full responsibility of taking care of our two children for years while my husband of 17 years was on the road in sales. I never questioned him, or even doubted his honour to me or his wedding vows. I thought he really loved me and would protect our sacred wedding ground. When he confessed his cheating, I literally had the air knocked out of me. I filed for divorce immediately” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

When it comes to relationships, cheating is one of the many hindrances that tend to scare a lot of people. Many couples often treat cheating as unpardonable and although it is quite painful, they still find themselves able to forgive their partners, pick up the broken pieces and start to move on with their lives together. This may sound true to some but majority of the people who have been cheated on are constantly contemplating on whether or not their partner will do it again. They have a recurring apprehension that their partner will do it the second time around, and this fear is what stops them from growing and attaining the true potential of their relationship. Now, does this ring a bell to you? Do you often spend a lot of time dwelling in dreadful thoughts of your partner cheating on you yet again? Will he ever do it again?

Well, according to statistics, only 15-20% of cheaters do repeat their cheating acts. This means that most cheating partners are indisputably faithful individuals who just made a mistake and will often learn from this experience. The thing is, if you had chosen to forgive and accept your partner again, then you should also give yourself a chance to trust him again. The best thing that you should do is to move on and try your best to re-build your relationship together with your partner. It does not necessarily mean that you have to forget what happened; you just have to put it behind you and look forward to a better relationship. Letting a past experience preoccupy you and giving it the power to control your life will only make you a miserable person. It does not only lower your expectation but will also turn you into a discontented and paranoid person. The end result? The relationship you chose to save and work on will eventually fail and die.

The fact is that there is really no way to guarantee the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is an undeniable truth that is applicable to all. So why torment yourself with doubts and awful thoughts? You are only hurting yourself by being stuck with it. Instead of relieving that painful past and creating undeserved resentment towards your partner, focus your time in igniting the flames of your relationship again. Create new and blissful memories again which will enable you to let go of that painful memory. This also means overcoming your fears and erasing all your bad thoughts deep inside.

For some of us, we cannot go back and take back a partner who has cheated. I know that I cannot do that. Two of my own marriages have ended in divorce, due to infidelity on my partner’s behalf. This is where I draw the line. I am a very accepting and forgiving person, as a general rule. However, cheating is the ultimate disgrace to me. Where you draw the line in the sand will be different for each person. There is no “right or wrong.”

If your partner made a promise to never to do it again, try take his word for it. You already decided to accept his apology so make your goal to work through this crisis. Sooner or later, you can expect to have a more intimate and renewed relationship. This will even improve your communication with one another. You will also figure out what was missing from the start and direct it towards where you would like to take it in the future.

Now that you had taken the harder step after deception, which is forgiveness and acceptance, concentrate in capturing happiness together by giving your partner the faith that you always wanted to give him.

So, will a cheater ever cheat again? Yes, he COULD probably do it again but there is really no reason to drive yourself crazy over it. Not until he does it again. If ever that unfortunate moment ever happens again, you might want to slow things down if ever you feel a little insecure about it. It takes time to totally heal the wounds that infidelity has caused you. So just take one step at a time and not rush things. Deal with your fears little by little until you can fully move on without being paranoid most of the time. Have patience in dealing with your emotional withdrawal and slowly learn to trust your partner yet again, if possible.