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Five Ways to Not Be Blamed Into Shame Every Time Your Grown Child Screws Up

Family-Where Life Begins

“It’s so easy to love our children when they are babies, toddlers, and little kids. They need us, they love us back, they tell the truth… such as, ‘I love you most of all when you give me cookies, mommy.’ But as we all know, our little ones grow into teens and then into adults. Over the past few years, I’ve listened to hundreds of people tell their horror stories of grown children who don’t have association with their parents any longer. I can’t imagine not having my parents in my life. They mean the world to me’’ ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

When our children are small, they rely on us for everything. That’s how it is supposed to be. We take care of them, fill up their love cup until it runs over, and make sure they know they can run to us when they have a hurt or a ‘’boo-boo.’’ As mothers, we give them 100% of our love. As the famous Psychologist, Eric Erikson stated many years ago, this is when children are learning trust vs. mistrust and autonomy. If we do not provide this, the child will become afraid, unsure of himself, and not fully develop as he passes through each stage into adulthood.

What happens when your grown children begin expecting you to continue to take care of them or their problems? What if you, as their parent, do not allow them to fall flat on their faces? What if YOU are the enabler to all of their money problems and rescue them every time they run out of money, find them a job when they can’t find one themselves, or babysit their children because they won’t hire safe, nor decent, babysitters for their own children? Let me tell you what will happen. The first time you cut the cord and STOP bailing them out of their problems, you will be blamed for everything. And, eventually, they will cut ties with you. How do I know? As I first mentioned, I’ve listened to and coached hundreds of people through their heartbreaking situations. And, yes, I’ve had this happen to me. It hurts.

Five Ways To Not Be Blamed Into Shame Every Time Your Grown Child Screws Up:

1) Do not offer to bail them out every time they can’t make rent or mortgage payments. If they can’t come up with the $, let them suffer the consequences.

2) If they need a car, please do not buy one for them. I signed on one with the understanding I would be paid back monthly in full. Each month, I had to beg for the payment, only to be put off most of the time. In the end, I paid the bill in full so I wouldn’t have my credit ruined. I still am owed $2300. on the car they sold.

3) If your grown child forges your name onto ANY document or uses your credit without your permission, let them suffer the consequences. Turn them in to the authorities. Again, do not bail them out. After all, they keep telling you how grown up they are, right?

4) Dump the drama! Social media is a nasty bastard is many instances. It has caused more harm, than good. A huge lie was told about my family. It crushed my elderly parents and me. I’ve since then left my personal Facebook Page and haven’t missed it one bit.

5) Disrespect? Step away before it kills you! If you are the one who is constantly making trips to see your grown child during the course of 20 years, paying for those trips, taking time away from school and/or work, yet not even once has that same child ever come to your own home, analyze that. Why are you breaking your back to see your child when it all comes down to disrespect? Your grown child is completely disrespecting you by not coming to your home. Why allow that to happen when it is breaking your heart?

The easiest way to love life and be happy is to surround yourself with those who truly WANT to be with you. Why be with people, even family members, who make you feel like crap or who blame you for all of their faults? When does one step up and take responsibility?

Parenting is not an easy job. I gave it all I had and tried to do the right thing in each and every situation. There isn’t a handbook on parenting…perhaps there should be. With limited skills, we each try to do our best when we raise our children. I am proud to say that I unconditionally loved my children and still do. I sought psychotherapy and counseling for the feelings of guilt thrown on me. Combined with much self-reflection and conversations with my life mentors, I do not allow the blame of any misconduct to shame me anymore.

You Blurted it Out…Now What? Five Tips for Slips

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

What's a Girl to Do?

“I’ll be the first one to admit this dreadful error. There I am, in a room full of my peers and others I’d like to know on a close, personal level. For whatever reason, my mouth has a mind of its own on this night. The words blurted out, as though I’ve not put one ounce of thought into what I am saying. Oh my goodness did I really say THAT? Everyone is turning around and staring at me in complete dismay. They can’t believe what they’ve just heard and what’s even worse, I can’t believe I’ve said it either! What’s a girl to do?’’ ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

Have you ever found yourself in this kind of a situation before? You know the kind of setting where you are speaking with a friend or a colleague and out of the blue, you say the most tactless thing in the world. One minute, the conversation is just flowing and glowing. You and your colleague are exchanging stories about the recent networking event you both attended a couple of weeks ago and then oops, you call her the wrong name. Now, it’s not like you don’t know her name, because you do. But, as a gentleman walks over, you present her as Betty, instead of introducing her correctly as ‘’Barbie.’’ You’ve blurted it out. Most women named Barbie do not look like women named Betty. Please don’t take this personally, but the Barbie ladies certainly do place value on their name. Oh my goodness, I undoubtedly discovered that! I apologized and thought all was well. It just so happens that the man I knew and introduced to Betty, um, I mean Barbie, was Bob, an Insurance Agent. The high-end networking events held monthly at the Ritz are not kind to Real Estate or Insurance Agents. I’m not sure why, but I’m thinking the reason must be high inundation of the market. I left the pair to talk and moved on to work the crowd. After all, mistakes are mistakes, right?

I was there to network, make a few connections, and meet a couple of friends. The crowd is large, between 350-500 people in a very cramped room. The greatest thing about the Ritz is the outdoor Patio with the fireplace. That’s where I always end up finding people to speak with and gather business cards for lead generation.

My car was being brought around for me by the valet, so as I was waiting, I ran back inside the Ritz to use the restroom. A friend grabbed me by the arm and told me that Barbie was on the hunt for me because I had slammed her with the “wrong” name. I replied, ‘’Are you kidding me? This is a joke, right?’’ Did I need to be scared, for goodness sake? I rushed in to the ladies room and when I came out, there stood Barbie. She grabbed me by the arm and gave me a tongue-lashing like I’ve never heard before. I told her again that I was sorry for forgetting her name momentarily. I smiled at her and told her to have a good night. I got in my car and drove home.

Here are Five Tips for Saving Freudian Slips or Blurt-Outs (in most cases):

Apologize or rectify the situation immediately. Once you realize the slip of the tongue, correct your mistake on the spot.
If you have a difficult time remembering names, tell the person or people right up front. They won’t mind helping you if they know this is your weakness.
Alcohol is often associated with many personal calamities… from blurt-outs, to relationship issues, cheating, and more. Know your drinking limit and stick to it.
Communication is forever out there once you say it or write it. Always remember that once something is said, you can’t take it back.
Smile at the person or group you have offended. Be genuine. Be kind and generous with your smile after you have apologized. For most ‘’normal’’ people, they will forgive you for the Freudian slip, even if it was a big deal (and not just an incorrect name).

This mistake of the incorrect name was so minor, truly. I’ve been on stage before in front of hundreds of people and made a Freudian slip. When it happens, the best thing to do is to keep your cool, correct it on the spot, and continue on with your introduction, speech, or lecture. Life is short. Laugh at yourself and the world will laugh with you.

God’s Beauty is Everywhere

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

“I laid on the front sidewalk at 11:10 tonight with my long winter coat, hat, and gloves on (with my son) and gazed at the sky for 30 minutes. Taylor could not believe I would lay on the sidewalk in the dark-it was my idea! I enjoyed being outside in the dark, crisp, air, away from working at my desk, reviewing grant proposals. I saw four shooting stars. It was a beautiful night. There is beauty everywhere” ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

When was the last time you took a break so you could enjoy natural beauty? I’m not trying to be a smart-mouth – really, I’m not. But, when was the last time you noticed what God has made for us? Every morning and every night, He creates a masterpiece that is completely altered than the previous day.

If you stop and think of every renowned poet, author, or artist, each has his or her own style. And, for the most part, they stick to it. God doesn’t stick to any one panache or pattern. He switches it up diverse every day and night and it’s always a perfect picture. For man-made beauty, I’ll use art and canvas as an example. I love Impressionist art most of all. People, who know me personally, identify my love of Claude Monet. As his eyesight grew worse with age in his 80’s, his paintings of the water lilies and other groupings, beautifully blossomed into his best works of art. Van Gogh, Renoir, and Monet reproductions grace the walls of my home. I love beauty and beautiful things, especially in my household.

In the dead of winter, no flowers are blooming, the trees look naked, and yards are brown, instead of their lush green color. Nevertheless, I see beauty. The silhouettes of the tree limbs dance against the sky when the wind is blowing. Birds are singing and calling out to each other as they work together building nests to lay eggs. Hearing the Cardinals sing their melodies delights me. When do these beautiful birds sleep? They sing even during the night outside my bedroom windows. Seriously, do any birds sleep? I have no clue.

I am a late sleeper in the mornings, since I do not go to bed until the hour when many others are getting up. Therefore, I miss out seeing the sunrise most of the time. However, that was not the case in Kauai last November. As I stood on the deck of the rented B & B House, I snapped one picture after the other of the sun rising. The ocean was below the clouds, palm trees framed the sides of my camera lens, and for 20 minutes, I watched the sky as it turned from black, to dark orange, light orange, yellow, dark blue, and then light blue. It was definitely a gorgeous sight. The sunsets in Kauai were equally as pretty, but you had to have your camera ready to snap the shots quickly. I had been forewarned by the natives that the sunsets lasted only 10-15 minutes when the sun started to go down. I was thankful for that warning, because I found it to be very true.

If you open your eyes and your mind to the wonders that God has placed before us, you will not be disappointed with His plans for us to enjoy all the natural beauty He has created. What beauty will you experience today?

How to Make the Best of Cold, Crappy Weather

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

Don’t forget to cover your head!

‘’I lived in the Midwest for about 30 years, so I have experienced the four seasons, including cold weather. One of the things I miss the most about being gone from that region are the beautiful changing colors of the leaves on the trees every Fall season. I sure don’t miss the ice, snow, and dangerous drops into single-digit temperatures during winter. As children, we always bundled up and went out to play in the snow, had snow-ball fights, and built forts. Now, I don’t even want to see snow!’’ ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

Moving to Texas was a blessing for me about 16 years ago. This weather just seems to help my body feel better. I have a couple of chronic illnesses and warmer weather helps to not have my body be in pain like the cold weather does. When the temperature drops down to 50 degrees, it feels cold to me. I am not kidding! So, here are some ways we can deal with really frigid weather outside, regardless of where you live.

Dress, not to impress, but appropriately. Never plan on ‘’just running into the store’’ and not dressing for what the weather dictates. I have been guilty of this myself. Wear the proper clothing to protect your skin.

Cover your head with a hat or shawl when you go outside and it is cold. Now, this seems really elementary and I know you are thinking I’ve surely lost my mind, but think about this. We tell our children to wear hats, we put hats on babies and old people, but we don’t think to wear hats ourselves. Did you know that 90% of your body heat escapes through your head? Well, it does. Go find the cutest winter hat (buy more than one!) and then wear it every time you leave the house when it is cold. Just do it. You will get used to it. I probably have 10-15 winter hats. I love them, I look good in them, and you will love yours also.

Keep emergency gear in the trunk of your car. I lived near the Canadian border for four years and this was a ‘’must-do.’’ It was one of the first things I was told when I moved there and very quickly, I found out why. During the cold and winter months, put two blankets in your trunk, a bag of kitty litter (to help if you get stuck), a shovel, a really great free-standing, flashing lamp or flashlight, a couple bottles of water, and some bags of fruit snacks or other non-perishable food. You never know what might happen.

Stock up and have extra food, toiletries, and medicines on hand at home so that you don’t have to get out and drive in bad weather unless absolutely necessary. Why take the risk and put your life in danger?

Take advantage of crappy weather days and learn to turn those into ‘’loving to be at-home-lounging’’ days. Make an afternoon of game day and play some of those old-fashioned games you used to love as a child. If that does not suit you, read a really great book, take a nap, call an old friend and catch up on the news, write in your journal, or just take time to think about what you can be thankful for. I bet as you reflect, your day won’t end up being so crappy after all.

”Why is There So Much Hate in the World?” by Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall

By Dr. Gayle J. Hall

‘’I’ve been asked lately, by both clients and fans, why there is so much hate in the world. The simple, uncomplicated answer would be to say, ‘’Because there is not enough love.’’ I have a feeling this is not what my clients, fans, and followers want to read or hear. However, if I was teaching in the classroom or conducting a Qualitative Survey with clients, the answer would lead straight back to love’’ ~ Dr. Gayle Joplin Hall.

Everywhere we look, we see prejudice, hate, discrimination, and stereotyping. It’s on every street corner plastered on billboards, in upscale stores, and in schools. There is so much hate in the world. Heck, two weeks ago, the very famous Oprah Winfrey was turned away in a store in Switzerland for being black. The sales clerk told her she probably couldn’t afford to shop there because the store carried expensive items and clothing. I got a good laugh when I read this, as I’m sure many others did. Nonetheless, Oprah did not find it to be humorous. I did NOT laugh because Oprah is wealthy and got turned away. I did, however, get a kick out of it because she is famous…a face and persona that I assumed everyone in the world recognized. I was wrong.

I laughed at the ignorance of the sales clerks. I can’t imagine anyone saying, ‘’You aren’t good enough to shop here because you are a color that I don’t like’’ to another person. No, the clerk didn’t say it just like that, but we all know that’s exactly what she meant. Shame on her! Then I thought of that scene in the movie, ‘’Pretty Woman’’ with Julia Roberts – you know, the one where she goes into an upscale boutique and the staff won’t wait on her because she is dressed like a whore. The next day, she walks into the same store carrying many bags and tells the snotty clerk that she made a big mistake by not waiting on her the previous day, especially since the clerk worked on tips. Julia Roberts was dressed to the nine and all eyes were on her. It was great. Color and race were not the issue, but socioeconomic status sure was.

I’ve conducted my own social experiments by going out when I’m in my sweat pants and hoodie, with no make-up on, and shopped in upscale stores for my favorite, everyday handbag brand, Michael Kors. Usually, the sales clerks continue to stand around and talk, instead of trying to get my service and wait on me. Now, if I walk in there with my make-up on, wearing my nice clothing, I am treated completely different. Clerks dash up to me, offering their services. Again, upper socioeconomic status, or the appearance thereof, rules every time. Isn’t this sad? I think it sucks.

If universal love ruled the world, there wouldn’t be any more of this petty nonsense. We would all love one another for who we are…not by how we are dressed, where we live, or whether or not our hair is perfectly in place with no gray showing. Women would stop gossiping about other women’s bodies, men would stop hating on the amount of income other men make, and as a result, we would harmoniously just love one another. But, is that possible?

HATE is so big. The word is offensive, ugly, and just plain nasty. I especially can’t stand to see this action – yes, hate is an action, not just a word – carried out by adults and taught to children. You see, children model behavior. As babies, little ones will do as they see and speak as they hear you speak. If they grow up in a home filled with love towards people of all colors and ethnicity, this is what they learn to be love. On the other hand, if children grow up where they hear and witness foul language about the opposite sex or people of different race or colors than themselves, they will learn this also. Children are born without fear or awareness of prejudice, discrimination, and stereotyping. This is taught in the home and in our schools by others.

So, again, I am back to the original question posed to me in the beginning of this article, ‘’Why is There So Much Hate?’’ and my answer is still simple. We must learn to love more, at a deeper level, and teach this love to others without being afraid of what someone may say to us for doing so. Spread the love. Godspeed.